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ANA Newsletter #2

Special Edition

Disclaimer - Paramount owns all characters and starships mentioned in the following document. No infringement of their rights is intended, and I am not receiving money for this.

Warning - After reading through what I've written, I realise I've come across as a right cow <s>. This is not true, and this is purely intended as fun and is not to be taken seriously. You have been warned...

ANA - ANTI NEELIX ASSOCIATION

Greetings, and welcome to the second Official ANA Newsletter. This newsletter is dedicated to discussions and views about that yellow-skinned, brown-spotted alien. After various comments made by members of the JetC10 mailing list I have decided to start a technologically advanced soap box about the Talaxian that we all love to hate (so cliche - but so true). Before I start however, I must send out a brief apology to Ethan Phillips (the man behind the latex and the fur). I have the utmost respect for Mr Phillips as an actor, and do not want him to feel that this is his fault.

Anyway, on with the Neelix bashing....

ANA Newsletter: Special Edition  (February 8 1998)

Why is this a special issue? Well,  it's released on the same day as Ethan Phillip's birthday. Happy Birthday Mr Phillips, and we hope you won't take offence.

Special thanks go to everyone in JetC10, especially Heather and Kim for their help. An honorable mention goes to Katy.

Degrading Neelix Quote #2

"In fact you're acting a little *too* suspicious if you ask me..." Doctor to Neelix, 'Cathexis'

Neelix Bashing Moment #2

It has to be the scene from the end of 'Fair Trade'. Momma Janeway makes Neelix feel like scum - and deservedly so. No one does a guilt job better than Kathryn Janeway. She's done it to Neelix, Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, Harry..hmm...

Missed Opportunity #2

For this issue I have decided on the scene from 'Meld'. You know the one - Tuvok kills Neelix! Yeah! Oh it's so satisfying to see the last breath squeezed from his annoying little body. Alas, it turns out to be a holodeck program. This is just like TPTB, giving us something we want and then letting us know it's not real. I also fear this is the only way we'll see a J/C kiss in canon...but I'll take it.

News/Updates

Can it be true? Can the impossible have really happened? Have the occupants of hell bought thermal underwear? Shocking as it us, I have to report that Neelix's character is...<shudder>...likeable in the fourth season. Early reports indicate that he has been far less annoying so far this season, especially in 'Year Of Hell'. He has some superb scenes with

Janeway, but then I must point out that none of that really happened, did it?

After having finally seen 'The Gift' myself, even I have to admit that his character was kind of sweet, and his farewell to Kes was well done.

So...is this the end to the ANA already after only two issues? I hope not. Even if his character is being well written now, we can still moan about the way he used to be (and we can also moan about the way Chakotay is being written this season. Chakotay for Neelix - what a trade off).

Why I'm A Member Of The ANA                             (Or...Why We Hate Neelix)

This issue's response it kindly provided by Heather <treklover@rocketmail.com>

Hmmm...why Neelix annoys me? I think the main reason that Neelix annoys me is that he is terribly needy; always needing someone's attention and approval; to that end he is always in people's faces, trying way too hard to get them to like him.  I have trouble putting that feeling into words, but I think everyone has met a person like this at one time or another...

Neelix Trivia

Last issue's answer...

Q1) What is the name of Neelix's home planet?                        A1) Talaxia (or Talax, depending who you talk too), although   he lived on the moon Rinax.

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This issue's questions (thoughtfully provided again by Heather <treklover@rocketmail.com>)

Q1)What "miracle" cure did the doctor come up with to save Neelix when the Vidiians harvested his lungs?

Q2)What does Neelix call Tuvok when they first meet in the episode "Caretaker"?

Q3)Who invented the weapon that destoyed Neelix's homeworld?

(Answers next issue.)

Fanfic

Depending how many submissions I receive (get typing people!) I hope to put the occasional anti-Neelix fanfic in the newsletter. It doesn't have to be J/C, although it would help :)

To start us off, I proudly present JetC10's first real anti-Neelix fanfic, by Kim < jd_streeter@pipeline.com>

Yes, if you're in JetC10 you've read it before - but it's worth reading again.

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The Gift to All Viewers: written 12/97 in response to the ANA Newsletter, but has been in my head a while.

Homage to Paramount yadda, yadda, yadda KILL NEELIX. Some dialogue is from "The Gift", at least as related by Jim Wright

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Janeway and Kes were hurrying to try to make it to make it to the shuttlebay before Kes amazing transformation tore the ‘Voyager’ apart.

"I cant stop it," Kes yelled to Janeway in desperation.

"Janeway to bridge. I need an emergency transport to shuttle bay 3."

"I’m sorry Captain, her molecular structure is too unstable to get a lock on."

Janeway gritted her teeth and said, "It looks like were going to have to do this the hard way. Hold on!" she commanded.

Just when it seemed that all was lost, Tuvok met them in the hallway. In a mind meld he managed to give Kes the discipline that she needed to get to the shuttle, although it left him badly shaken, for a Vulcan. He managed to say, "You must hurry," as he sank to the floor.

*******

"Its happening..its happening to me," Kes said in wonder as the shuttle craft shimmered around her from the force of her transformation.

"My gift to you," were her last words as she flung the ‘Voyager’ far away from Borg territory.

*******

It was the end of the Alpha shift and everyone was just entering the mess hall. It was strangely quiet, and there was no familiar pungent odor wafting out from Neelix’s kitchen. Janeway and Chakotay went to investigate, and found Neelix laying on the floor, skin tinged green for apparent oxygen deprivation. Janeway called for the Doctor, who quickly arrived and scanned Neelix with his medical tricorder.

"Hmm, it seems that the lung that Kes donated to Neelix way back in season one [you remember - after the Vidiians took booth of his lungs] evolved with her, leaving Mr. Neelix no way to breathe. He’s been dead for 2.36 hours."

"Doctor," ordered Janeway, "Get this disgusting carcass out of here this minute. At least we wont be eating his *creations* any more. Oh, Chakotay. Why couldnt we have lost him instead of Kes?" She moved to lay her head on one of his broad shoulders. "All of this has made me realize how transitory our lives can be. Oh Chakotay take me here, NOW!"

"In the mess hall with everyone watching?"

"Everyone - GET OUT! There - that’s better."

She pulled him roughly toward her and kissed him with the vigour of three years of pent up passion.

*Fade to black*

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So what did you think? I loved it <evil laugh>

Character Study

As this is a special issue, I'm going to start taking a look at Neelix's progression as a character. In this issue I will focus only on 'Caretaker'. Our first glimpse of Neelix is as he pulls junk away from his viewscreen. A fitting scene - junk surrounded by junk. First impressions were...mixed on my part. I hated his nose, and thankfully they made the slit on the top

of his nose less pronounced. He beamed on board and...yes! He hugged Tuvok. I loved this scene - the over-exuberant Talaxian emotionally hugging the staid Vulcan. A classic moment. Little did I know the full terror of what I was letting myself in for (besides, my mind was on other things. Like Robert Beltran. Why had I never seen this man before??).

They rescue Kes, and the next thing I knew she and Neelix were canoodling on the transporter pad! What?! She's in a romantic relationship with that *thing*? I know more than anyone that looks are not important, but they don't look right together and the chemistry just wasn't there. Jennifer Lien and Ethan Phillips are both superb actors, but they don't make a good couple. No chemistry...not believable. As opposed to...well...you know who. Overall impression: hmm...he was okay. Not my favourite character but he had some nice moments. A little grating perhaps; non-stop cheeriness can get on anyone's nerves. Other than that Phillips did a good job.   ***enter creepy music***

Party Games

Yet another new section, where each issue I will suggest an anti-Neelix party game. This issue's one was inspired by Katy, who even though she didn't intend to, gave me the idea.

Party Game #1 - Pin The Cross Hairs On The Talaxian

A spin on the popular Earth game 'Pin The Tail On The Donkey', this game provides hilarity as well as satisfaction. All you need is a picture/cardboard cut-out of Neelix and an automatic pistol (or fire arm of your choice). Clear the area of all gentle-hearted people, flick off the safety, and blow him away!

I suggest you take a Polaroid.

Anti Neelix Jokes

*Warning* Most of these will be groaners, i.e. incredibly bad.

Joke #1

Q: How do you add insult to injury to Neelix?

A: After dumping him, falling in love with someone else, evolving to a higher state of being and letting him know you're leaving the ship, tell him you hated his cooking.

Anti-Neelix Songs

Instead of 'I Left My Heart To San Francisco'...

'I Left My Lung To Some Frankensteins'.

This hit song made it to number two in the Voyager top ten (second only to Chakotay's ballad 'The Angry Warrior's Lament'), and was a particular favourite of the Chief of Security.

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Well, what did you think? Please send in comments, thoughts, views, questions, answers, quotes, scenes, ideas, top tens, jokes, songs, reviews of Neelix eps, recipes for Leola root stew...

If you're a member of JetC10, please send any submissions *privately*. We don't want to ruin it for the others :)  Hey, maybe I should start a letter section…

 

ANA Newsletter Editor: Suz

ANA Newsletter Archivist: Heather

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